Doric String Quartet – Schubert: String Quartetes, D703 & D887

schubertI love quartets. Four people: two violins (Alex Redington and Jonathan Stone), a viola (Hélène Clément), and a cello (John Myerscough), just playing their fucking guts out. Thousands of combined hours of practice, lessons, sheet music, and sheer fucking agony put into a single hour. The amount of pressure that’s put on these players to perform and practise all in the goal of “perfection”. Then, some asshole critic could listen to it once while taking a shit and say, “Well, the viola seems a bit anachronistically insouciant for my taste.” Huh? What the fuck are you talking about you shitting critic I just made up? The quartet world is a strange world.

Some say Schubert couldn’t hold a candle to Beethoven. Well, Schubert was literally a torchbearer at Beethoven’s funeral, so fuck that noise. Schubert is the bomb. If Beethoven thought this, so can you. Unless you think you know better than Beethoven? Ya, I didn’t think so. Schubert’s Quartet D703, more popularly known as Quartettsatz (which means: “Quartet Movement” [a goddamn meaning circle]) is a monster. Schubert didn’t finish it. Do you want to know why? So do I. So does everyone! But too bad. That shit just ain’t finished. Some say it’s because the first movement was so fucking good that he didn’t want to ruin it with a second. I think that’s a dumb fucking interpretation. If you want to know mine, you’re going to need some background.

Schubert wouldn’t make any more chamber music for three years after D703. Then in March of 1824 he started to write again. Now, why did Schubert get the sudden urge to write again? Simple, the dude hit up some strange without bagging his shit so he got himself some super bad dick sores. Then at some point in March of 1824 these dick sores started to sting less so he wrote down some tunes. I shit you not. This is something we know as fact. Classical musician historians actually study this. It’s the real story.

Now, why would an absolute genius of a composer, known for his love of dirty fucking sluts, suddenly stop writing a quartet halfway? I feel like the answer is simple but nobody wants to say it. But I will. I think D703 is halfway finished because Schubert either wanted to fuck a really hot dirty slut so bad he just didn’t finish it so he could pursue that stank ass, or his bag was so war torn from fucking so many dirty sluts that he literally couldn’t finish it cause it was itchy as fuck and it hurt like hell. Look, I know this isn’t a polite answer, but you can’t just abandon Occam’s razor just cause it’s covered in raunchy pornography. If you did there would be no such thing as history. The truth, most of the time, is like a dirty dog dry humping your leg while you awkwardly try to talk to someone: it’s not complicated and it’s impossible to fucking ignore.

I’m not going to get into Doric’s interpretation of Schubert. This shit is beautiful. I know some motherfuckers that don’t like the sound of modern quartets because they sound like they are “attacking” their instruments, and others think Alex (the lead violinist) isn’t “forward” enough, but this shit has so much to do with preference that I find it hard to care. I suggest listening to this shit yourself and making up your own mind. Who knows, you might even like it. My advice? If you’re going to fuck dirty sluts stay safe, especially if you’re in the middle of writing some bad ass…  


 

 

5 thoughts

  1. Best classical album review ever. Everyone else just close your laptops and pour yourself a stiff drink. I’m still laughing…

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  2. I laughed so hard with reading this review. Thanks for posting it and I hope all the blog hits you are getting from the link over at Slipped Disc is making your day great! 🙂

    Like

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